The Brooklyn Sea Hag

So Long, Been Good to Know Ya

2010-03-24T12:05:00.002-04:00

I'm quitting, mes amis. Shoot me an email if you would like to receive updates on any future projects: brooklynseahag@gmail.com

Love eternally,
The Brooklyn Sea Hag

So Profesh

2010-03-18T16:42:00.003-04:00

WOW! I am a real website now!!

My new URL: www.brooklynseahag.com

It was lovingly gifted to me by my pal Tobly who actually knows how to use the internet and sometimes teaches me things. She's my technology guru.

ps. was anyone else annoyed that Ugly Betty on the fictional television program Ugly Betty won a bloggie 5 minutes after setting hers up? Fuck you, Suarez.

Boobs Radley

2010-03-12T09:40:00.004-05:00

My friend, the professional blogger, gave me the best gift bag ever. See below!

Contents:
Absolute Acai Berry Vodka
Cystex
Vitamins
MAC lipstick (to add to my huge collection of never used makeup)
3 bottles of lavender scented lube (my vag will help me fall asleep)
Handwipe
Love and thoughtfulness

Thank you, BOOBS! Have fun in Mexico- don't fuck too many bandits.

You Get What You Pay For?

2010-03-04T10:11:00.002-05:00

$10 trash can from Target:

Why am I so amused by this? I think my brain drugs make me way less rageful than I used to be.

Fairytale of New York

2010-03-04T09:57:00.003-05:00

If I Could Just Leave my Body for the Night

2010-03-03T10:54:00.005-05:00

Last night I went to see Paul Taylor (aka ballet lite, aka dudes in spandex lederhosen hopping around to Age of Aquarius, aka the dance company my grandparents mistakenly assume is my favorite, much like when I was little and my grandmother bought me a blueberry muffin at the Bayshore ferry dock every weekend on our way to Fire Island, and even though I was apathetic at best about blueberry muffins, I pretended they were my favorite because I was way too afraid of her to protest).

My night, it wasn't great. It was emotionally overloaded from the start - relationships with certain members of my family (2 of 3 are gma and papa) have been strained and damaged since Thanksgiving - so I probably was reading into everything a too closely. Grandma can be awfully harsh sometimes (see: calling me a "disgusting monster" for "ruining Thanksgiving") even under the best of circumstances, so who knows what the problem was. Maybe she was just in a bad mood? Maybe my cold (my sniffling/pallid complexion) irritated her. Maybe it was my refusal to admit that there are any potential romantic interests in my office. Maybe it was fraught for her too.

Whatever the reason, I started crying in the middle of the bad dancing, and tears, my friends, are the worst offense of all. Fortunately I had my cold as an excuse for puffy eyes and a runny nose at intermission.

Hamster Dance

2010-03-01T17:42:00.003-05:00

I'm off on another National Lampoon's European Vacation at the end of the month! My pal Emma is coming to meet me in Amsterdam (dooooooood) and we're going to ride bikes and look at tulips and make asses of ourselves trying to "speak" Dutch. Her boyfriend (and my friend!) Paul is coming out just for the weekend to eat mushrooms. I mean to see me. He's coming to see me.

If anyone has any hotel/restaurant/bar/museum recommendations, we'd love them. Searching for lodging on the internets is dubious.

Dank u! Goede nacht. (Waar is kaaswinkel??)

The Best Restaurant in Crazytown

2010-02-25T12:27:00.003-05:00

Dinner last night: bowl of kale, peppers and mushrooms with cashews on top, bowl of arugula and peppers and avocado with lemon and olive oil. About halfway through I just dumped the little bowl into the big bowl and mixed it all together.

Famiry Rink Rove

2010-02-23T11:40:00.001-05:00

Check out my auntie's new collaboration: Irritable Blog Syndrome. Linked on the right.

Les Dimanche à Bamako

2010-02-22T11:08:00.003-05:00

I love my apartment. Have I mentioned that I love my apartment? Well I do. I love it. That said, there are a few drawbacks: shitty shower (not literally-- no feces (yet?) -- just abrupt switches between icy and scalding), roach problem (like when they crawl on the windowsill next to my kitchen table while I am eating dinner; FUCK, THAT WAS HORRIBLE), the vague threat of homeless marauding rapists breaking in, etc.

Maybe one of the worst problems lately is the radiator. Coming from an apartment that had almost no heat during the winter, at first I was pleased that my apartment hovers around 85 degrees most nights. It's getting a little old, truthfully, so I've started sleeping with the window wide open (welcome, homeless marauding rapists!) and sometimes getting up at 4am to wet a washcloth for my forehead like a swooning damsel.

The other issue with the radiator is the afrobeats it pumps out at regular intervals throughout the night for 10 minute stretches at a time.

Keep in mind that I took this video AFTER waking up, lying in bed cursing God, trying to fall back asleep, resigning myself to insomnia, getting up, finding my camera in the dark, figuring out how to "film" and then "filming." So yeah, 10 minutes is not an exaggeration.

No Regrets, Coyote

2010-02-18T09:37:00.002-05:00

Even though I just moved into a fabulous apartment that I love (in spite of the roaches and not having a bathroom at the moment) I want to move to another country, like immediately. Is this PMS? It's so hard to tell now that I'm off the pill. In other news, going off the pill has given me pimples, and disappointed my fantasy that I'd lose weight (opposite of going on the pill and gaining weight?). Can I move to Ireland? Please?

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!!

2010-02-12T09:49:00.004-05:00

Did I get this cookie from an admirer at work? Or did I buy it for myself, Liz Lemon style? You can draw your own conclusions.

Found Objects

2010-02-11T17:24:00.002-05:00

This is an actual, untouched pile of stuffs found in the bottom my dresser drawer during my move.

The Way We Live Now

2010-02-11T17:20:00.003-05:00

INSANITY UPDATE:

With Your Heart Beating and Your Eyes Shining

2010-02-02T11:01:00.003-05:00

Internet friends! Thank you so much for all your nice emails! I've gotten so many and I love every single one of them. Especially the one from my long-distance-e-crush who volunteered to be my rebound. MEOW. (You know who you are, Aboriginal Small Fish.)

I am now fully moved into my new place and it is so cute and so little and I have already thrown dirty socks on the floor to mark my territory. The dead roaches under the sink scared me, but The Puppeteer came over to dispose of them and to rearrange my furniture. Last night Schmate came over to express her approval, and even old Trav-Trav and his friend the drunk mover were impressed with my closets and excellent afternoon light. I changed the toilet seat all by myself.

I still haven't slept over, what with the housesitting of a beautiful Carroll Gardens apartment which I am not ready to end, but soon enough my dears. I think this weekend! Wow! New life! It's fucking madness how quickly things change, but it all feels right and good and I am happy.

(ps. I accidentally let Year One slip to the top of my netflix queue, and friends, this might be the NyQuil talking, but it was not unwatchable...)

My Life in Boxes

2010-01-27T09:33:00.000-05:00

So Upon our Return, We Found Everything Gone

2010-01-20T10:06:00.004-05:00

Today I'm going to sign a lease for a new apartment. It's a lovely little studio in Prospect Lefferts Gardens-- in the very same building as my friend, The Puppeteer!

How did we get here? Travis and I broke up. Two weeks ago, maybe? It's hard to tell since time has been moving in a strange, fractured and disorienting way since before Christmas. I've heard that it's Saturn Return, and I've speculated that the universe is causing relationships with the important people in my life to simultaneously, spontaneously, systematically dissolve. Either way, this breakup is not surprising, but it is sad! And scary!

He left for Vermont on Monday, and I'm starting a house-sitting assignment tonight. I think this forced separation is good for us in the long-run because living together as a broken up couple who is pretending to be fine and normal is certainly not healthy for anyone no matter how soothing it feels. I found myself sentimentalizing everything until the moment he left ("Is this the last time we're going to wake up in the morning together and laugh together and spoon and love each other?" "Is this the last time we're going out for dinner as a couple?" "Is this the last time I'm going to feel furious, blinding rage that he spilled bleu cheese sauce all over the inside of our oven causing our entire apartment to smell like rotten dairy?") and it was both comforting and stifling. If we're going to be apart, we need to be apart-- no matter how fucking sad it is.

These days I feel not just alone and adrift, but also free and strong and mighty on my own.

Link Love

2010-01-13T12:59:00.002-05:00

My pal Stevie (aka Companion) has an online food diary now, but it's SO MUCH MORE. Linked on right: Life, Love and What I Ate.

PSA

2010-01-13T10:23:00.004-05:00

In the interest of protecting certain people who read my blog (some of whom really should not be reading my blog- you know who you are) from learning information they're entitled to get firsthand, I've been keeping something pretty serious from you peoples of the internets.

There are life changes going on over here. I feel sad, terrible, relieved, excited and super fucking anxious all at once. It's a roller-coaster, friends. More details TK.

Last Night at Petco

2010-01-13T10:19:00.002-05:00

Me, upon spotting a tank of rocks (rocks!) with floating price tags attached which I mistook for antenna: "Hey little guys! What are you?"

Balm for Heartache

2010-01-11T13:47:00.003-05:00

Entire bag of goldfish consumed in one sitting, shared with best friend.

Resolutions

2010-01-02T10:27:00.004-05:00

I just got a "Happy New Year!" email from an amateur porn site I'm signed up for. Thanks, X-Tube, for reminding me that I've committed to watching more porn in 2010. Thanks, X-Tube, for reminding me that you care.

Welcome to 2010

2010-01-01T08:41:00.006-05:00

I started off the year right this morning by using Marcal dinner napkins as toilet paper (so smooth!), and searching the weight watchers website to figure out if a lamb kabob consumed at 3:30am counts as points from yesterday or today. Thankfully I woke up at 8:00am (REALLY, IT WAS A WONDERFUL FEELING TO GET 4 HOURS OF DRUNK ASS SLEEP) so I could collect my payout from my properties on Mafia Wars. My current obsession with Mafia Wars is what we'd call: a bad fucking sign.

I wanted to spend last night joyfully and though there certainly was reveling, something was missing. The noisemakers were screamed into, the ball dropped, I wore a stupid bobbily headband, but my heart was clutched and angry. (Angry may not mean angry, in fact more often angry means sad. Please, I don't understand either-- speak to my "deep-seated childhood issues" and get back to me.)

I've been very reliant on my family for support and comfort in my life (the parts of my life where I've been on speaking terms with them), but something has changed there, and I feel alone. Not like alone, alone, but like spiritually disconnected. As I've hinted here before, my relationship with Travis is troubled, and I'm totally at a loss of how to help it.

I'm in an ok place with my job, but it's not fulfilling in any way. I go there every day; I'm bored, I'm not challenged, but I have good friends and I'm thankful for money and health insurance and 8 hours of uninterrupted internet access. I'm also thankful for the wildly inappropriate forwards I get multiple times a day from my boss. My life would not be the same without having seen the teenager shove a firecracker up his ass and light it. And how on earth would I have, stored in my little brain, a whole list of old and recycled Tiger Woods jokes lifted directly from puns from The Post?

All this to say, I've been loafing around in a dirty bath of malaise and self-pity for the past, oh, six months. Maybe it's turning thirty this year (sorry, I know it's a cliche) or maybe it's some gay astrology shit. Maybe I'm not following my destiny and my soul is rebelling. Maybe I'm too privileged and need some war or famine to make me appreciate what I have. Maybe I'm just a whiny little bitch.

Oh Come On

2009-12-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

Hello Santa?

2009-12-23T12:03:00.003-05:00

Recent one-sided conversation in my house: "Do you like Boyz to Men? Because they have a new R&B classics album. Do you want me to get it for me? I mean for you?"

Breakfast Cookies and Doughnuts

2009-12-23T09:49:00.002-05:00

Just paying for Weight Watchers and not actually doing it is TOTALLY NOT WORKING.

A Winter's Day, in a Deep and Dark December

2009-12-22T10:36:00.002-05:00

So... freaking... close to vacation! One more day of work, and then 5 days off and then 3 days on ("on" means 5 hour days since no one is in the office) and then 4 days off. Delicious. I'm going to get SO FAT.

We're less than a month away from Mehican Vacation 2010 and I could not be more ready. Sunshine, tequila, rape and robbery by highway marauders, just what I need to start the year.

LOLRelationship

2009-12-20T15:41:00.002-05:00

"Ehh. Ehhhhhhhhh. Spoon me! Ehhhhh! SPOON ME, GODDAMN IT."

(That's whining ehhh, not sexy ehhh)

(Last night I tackled Travis in the snow. Well, I tried to tackle him, so he pushed me down, and I pulled him down with me. That counts, right?)

Dunn is my Guru

2009-12-20T03:49:00.000-05:00

"It's too cold to tip a stripper in the snow."

Irish Goodbye

2009-12-19T12:26:00.001-05:00

I never knew there was a real name for what I've been doing for years! You could even call it my trademark move. That and drunk affection.

Look Out Mama, There's a White Boat Coming up the River

2009-12-18T10:10:00.001-05:00

Can we use my recent unhealthy obsessions as an indicator of oncoming doom? Like a mental anxiety windsock. How about the pigeon head (JUST THE HEAD) I saw this morning on the sidewalk? Ah, ah Damien, ah ah Damien. I feel confused by life and the universe, and the way people behave, and the way things change without you really noticing, and how I've been coasting along for a while and all of a sudden things are just coming to a screeching halt around me.

Can we safely assume that an implosion/explosion is on the way? We can.

Diet Mania

2009-12-17T10:08:00.003-05:00

Started Weight Watchers yesterday with a friend from work and realized that those meetings are just like AA, but with food issues instead. I love them. Love, love. I love all the supportive ex-fat people, and the regular fat people and I love talking about/obsessing over points. Will this be the year I stick with it?

Now I'm on the plan again, staunchly ignoring the homemade fudge a friend brought me, GODDAMN IT and choking down a baggie of dry puffins (the cereal, not the bird).

Link Love

2009-12-15T21:58:00.002-05:00

Please note: new links on the right ------>

Boobs Radley is BACK! Twiiittttering. She's very, very funny so we'll forgive her.

I Have to Return Some Videotapes was previously delinked for blog negligence. Relinked. Enjoy.

And the loveliest website on the whole world wide web, Pretty Pony Party.

Elaine in Real Life

2009-12-14T11:32:00.008-05:00

We got home at 2am on Saturday night and between my "smokey" eye make-up and less-frizzy-than-usual hair, I thought I was looking pretty good. Pretty, pretty, preeeetty good.

So I made Travis take some holiday pictures of me next to our tree.

"I'm preeeeeetty"

If only I didn't have to protect my anonymity and could show you the face I'm making in this picture

Look Out Mama, There's a White Boat Coming up the River

2009-12-12T16:36:00.005-05:00

She Wants Me To Go Twice a Week

2009-12-12T09:49:00.003-05:00

Me: Next time we can talk about my 'deep-seated childhood issues'!
(I said this using air-quotes because it comes verbatim from an email my mother recently sent me.)

My Lovely Therapist: I think that's a great idea.

Me: UGH. Why can't all that stuff just go away?

MLT: Hmmm. Well you like drinking, don't you? You could try that.

Me: It doesn't work!

MLT: Exactly.

"Literally? It Means, Like, Literally."

2009-12-09T22:38:00.002-05:00

Even if I do mean it, I need to stop using the word in every sentence. Who do I think I am? Ira Glass?

Worst

2009-12-09T10:02:00.004-05:00

Last night, right before bed, Travis and I watched a video that may actually ruin my life, and all hopes of intimacy forever. The images will be seared into my eyes and brain for the rest of eternity.

It started out really innocently. We watched "Smell Yo Dick" first, and laughed. Then we watched "Wash Yo Ass," ha ha ha. Great, great. Then we saw something that was called "Two Guys, One Horse Reaction." Remember "Two Girls, One Cup"? It was same set up: people horrified and grossed out by something they were watching off screen. Ok, fine, right?

We spent about 4 seconds googling "Two Guys, One Horse" and found it right away. We clicked on the link and... FATEFUL MISTAKE. Again, remember "Two Girls, One Cup"? Remember how fucking gross that was? Remember screaming and laughing at the same time? This was kind of like that! Only but without the laughing, and more abject horror. Instead of girls eating their own poop, this one was a guy getting f-ed in the ass by a horse. Seriously, I am saying this with only concern in mind, do not try to find this video. Do not watch this video. Especially do not watch this video at work. I cannot say this strongly enough: DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.

An hour later, lying in bed, with the vague possibility of romance in the air, I said through waves of nausea: "I can't stop... thinking about it." Travis said: "I know. It's horrible. I feel sick." And then we each rolled over and had our own separate nightmares, careful not to accidentally touch in our tiny, full sized bed.

Acknowledgements (Apologies for The Corn)

2009-12-07T10:48:00.005-05:00

I want to thank all of my wonderful friends who, always, but particularly in the last week, are super supportive. Thank you, special internet-friends and in-person-friends, all of whom were concerned enough to email or call or force me to go out and watch them get their eyebrows and rips waxed so I could bitch and moan about my life.

Particular shout-outs to my friend who just had a baby four seconds ago and instead of obsessively talking about him, like a normal new mother, patiently listened to me for hours on end and counseled me, and proofread my emails from her iphone while nursing.

For my darling, dearest E who emailed to offer to split a ticket to England for Christmas to be with her family because they love me.

And The Puppeteer, who made me kale chips and popovers that looked like breasts and walked in the park with me even though she'd rather have taken a nap, AND gave me a recommendation for an excellent therapist ("I'll take The Rapist for $400, Alex") who is already helping me after only 45 minutes.

Additionally I'd like to thank my loving, wonderful boyfriend, who listens to me and loves me and reassures me in spite of my public crying (his worst nightmare) and always makes me feel better about life.

I started out the week feeling like a lonely depressed monster, not the cute Muppet kind, but the Rhoda Penmark kind, and now I am actually feeling really loved and cared for. I appreciate it, you guys.

One Day at a Time

2009-12-03T20:55:00.003-05:00

So I joined the lottery for a 1/2 marathon in NYC in March. If I "win" I get to pay $90 and run for 13 miles in a row! Doesn't that sound fun?

I'm trying to do one positive thing every day so I don't get overwhelmed by life again. Yesterday I put away my laundry. Tonight I'm going to put away all the thousands of book-filled tote bags that are hanging off of every chair in the kitchen. Ok, I just counted 6. That's nuts. Tomorrow, oh tomorrow, I'm going to CLEAN MY OVEN.

Things are going to be ok.

New Year, Same Old Bullshit

2009-12-01T23:29:00.005-05:00

Recent "resolutions" to improve my life: join road runners and run EVERY day (become Reese Witherspoon); join a fancy, expensive yoga studio and do yoga EVERY day (become Madonna?); join weight watchers; get a new cell phone with internet access so I can obsessively update and monitor my weight watchers point consumption; stop eating gluten; stop eating sugar; stop eating at all; find a new apartment; rearrange my living room; rearrange my bedroom; buy a new desk; buy a humidifier; buy a personal shredder; join the peace corps; quit my job; move to Europe (location TBD); get a dog; throw away everything I own; buy all new stuff.

Maybe by this weekend I'll find the energy to put away the 3 (three) bags of clean laundry I've had on the floor from the 3 (three) consecutive weeks before I left for week of holiday-hell. Forget about my suitcase from Seattle, that's going to be in the living room for the next year or so.

Every day is like a spinning wheel of possibilities. Emphasis on spinning wheel.

Thanksgiving Sucks my Asshole

2009-11-27T12:31:00.007-05:00

Wow, that was a shitstorm.

Even with my extensive back-catalog of terrible, terrible holiday experiences, I can say, with authority, that this one was one of the top three, if not the worst of all time.

I'd give details, but I have no idea what the fuck happened. That is all.

Spring Break Here We Come!

2009-11-19T17:25:00.007-05:00

I just booked a trip for Travis and me (to save our relationship, ha ha, no, really) to Mexico in January! I've been wanting to go on a tropical vacation for a loooong time, and this is a much needed respite from what has been a pretty awful fall so far.

We both knew right away that we didn't want to do something super touristy and gross, so we (I) tried to pick places that are reasonably far away from Cancun. First we're going to Majahual:

ahhhhhhhhh.

I read about a nice hotel in NY Magazine in a recent cheap getaway article, so that's our first stop. It's about a 4.5 hour drive from Cancun, and I'm looking forward to a nice drive down the coast, with wind blowing in my hair, Neil Young, etc.

After plenty of resting, relaxing, eating, drinking, swimming, sunning, and holding hands and saying "I love you" instead of glaring at each other and saying "I think you just don't understand me on a fundimental level" we're going to drive up to Tulum.

Aren't ju yealous??

I really, really want to snorkle which I haven't done since I was little and my dad took me to Venezuela (I snorkled like twice a day for a solid month three summers in a row in crystal clear tropical waters. Yes, I was a very lucky child in some ways), and I remember it as one of the most magical experiences of my life. We're also going to try SCUBA diving, although I did get a little worried that Travis might try to kill me underwater (again, things have been a-nah-so-good-ah) but I am going to overcome that and we may even go CAVE DIVING!

I'm so looking forward to this already. And I am absolutely LOVING my vacation spreadsheet which I started immediately. Excel! Bueno!

BFFs

2009-11-11T15:23:00.001-05:00

Please, We Need an Intervention

2009-11-05T15:29:00.006-05:00

I went to Duane Reade at lunch to fill a prescription and also buy more toothpaste because I got tired of playing the "how-long-can-I-use-hotel-sample-sized-tubes" game. A friend, let's call her Shmate, came with me. We wanted to find some discounted Reeses seasonal peanut butter pumpkins (there's just SO MUCH MORE peanut butter in there!) and instead we found some shitty halloween assortment packs marked to 75% off. We bought 2.

When we got back to work, we closed the door of her office and separated the different types into piles:

Look at her eager little paws waiting to grab until after I'd taken the picture. Awww.

We bartered.

(Someone likes Almond Joys. No one likes 3 Musketeers - but we'll eat them, goddamn it.)

Recent email exchange...
BSH: I am having ONE MORE CANDY BAR and that is all. Ps, have already had a mini-snickers since I got back to my desk. I give this candy until tomorrow.
Shmate: We are terrible. I just sat in an hour long meeting and thought only about my mr goodbars.

Why My Boyfriend is Awesome

2009-11-05T12:31:00.001-05:00

I came home from class on Tuesday, STARVING, and he'd made me a perfectly cooked steak for dinner. My, what service!

Flowers!

2009-11-02T11:12:00.003-05:00

I got surprise flowers this morning from Crammo as thanks for throwing her baby-shower on Sunday. I was glad to do it, though I did spend the entire time fearful that she would start birthing in my apartment. Also, we discussed many, many horrible things including the cutting of the vag, pooping on the delivery table, how one would go about scooping poop/bloody entrails out of a rental jacuzzi, and the infamous baby-in-the-toilet show. One of our guests finally said in a quavery voice before fleeing, "ok, ok, that's enough" I think right after the vag-snipping conversation.

My, what beautiful flowers!

Sick

2009-10-30T10:51:00.006-04:00

Last night I had to work at The Most Annoying Grocery Store in the World. This is a shift I swapped so I wouldn't have to work on Halloween and yesterday I did a shift so that I wouldn't have to work on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Thanks, coop.

I worked in the office, and by work I mean I spent two hours and forty five minutes calling members to say "Hi! This is [BSH] calling from the Park Slope Food Coop to remind you that you have a shift on Sunday and it's also day-light savings, so please remember to set your clock back one hour on Saturday night. Thanks!"

I got a lot of voicemail, but when people did pick up, the responses ranged from "oh yeah! Are we falling behind? Thanks so much for the reminder!" from young hipstery sounding types who are probably not employed and therefore would not know/care that the rest of America is running an hour later to a confused and annoyed sounding "...ok..." and then a hang-up from elderly black women.

In the office there are several 10 year old macs used for looking up member information. (This is a new system as of September when we switched over from filed index cards. Literally. 15,000 index cards. I am getting angry thinking about this.) When you work in the office, it's a well established rule that you should not be looking up ex-boyfriends, friends, frienemies, your old boss, etc. HOWEVER, NO ONE HAS EVER SAID DO NOT LOOK UP ADRIAN GRENIER AND FIND OUT HIS NEXT WORKSLOT AND HOME ADDRESS. No one has ever said that! They didn't tell me not to!

ps. He lives in Williamsburg. I have the street address. I've already google mapped it. Cram, want to come with and hide in a phone booth outside?
pps. I looked up Maggie Gyllenhaal too, but couldn't find her. Probably because I can't spell Gyllenhaal.

Seriously Thrilling

2009-10-28T10:28:00.002-04:00

On November 9th, I am flying to Little Rock, Arkansas (hey! Maybe I'll run into my old subletter!) for an in-store author appearance at a Walmart Supercenter.

Friends, I've met authors. I've been hugged by Katherine Paterson and Kevin Henkes. I've had long phone conversations with Patricia MacLachlan. I "produced" a video of Vera B. Williams. I am a close, personal friend of Seymour Simon. But friends, I am really, truly excited about the author I am going to meet in less than 2 weeks.

I will be the personal escort of Ms. Ree Drummond, AKA The Pioneer Woman, at the Little Rock stop on her publicity tour for her new cookbook. OMFG. I'm already star-struck and I'm not even sure how I'm going to make it through the night. There's also a possibility that I will get to take her out to dinner after the event and I can barely process that. One step at a time. One bacon-wrapped-jalepeno-thingy at a time.

ps. Go buy her book. It's AWESOME.

Halloweiner

2009-10-23T09:18:00.002-04:00

I think I'm going to be a rabid raccoon for Halloween. Mostly because it means I get to wear a sweatsuit. Yeesssss.

Right now I'm struggling with the foamy mouth question-- what can I use that won't be too messy and gross and I can reapply as needed?

Please help me achieve my dream of wearing jammies all night in public.

From My Email This Morning

2009-10-14T10:58:00.003-04:00

With all of the upcoming changes to our program and as a reward for your loyalty to Continental we will move your Elite status to Silver early and the status is effective through February 28, 2011.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? I GET TO SKIP THE LINES, AND I GET FREE BAGGAGE CHECKS, AND I GET A 25% BONUS ON ANY MILES, AND I MAY OCCASIONALLY GET UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS. HEART ATTACK. JOY. I AM FINALLY ONE OF THOSE FIRST CLASS FUCKING BASTARDS.

Soliciation

2009-10-13T12:04:00.001-04:00

I’ve got the travel bug. Where should we go next? I want something [somewhat] cheap, but also wonderful. No Niagara Falls in January, please. Has anyone been to Mexico recently? Any suggestions?

Breaking Through the Fart Wall

2009-10-12T12:12:00.002-04:00

Well, it finally happened: I farted in front of Travis [and he heard it]. My new name around the house is Goat Princess Tooter or, GPT-- sort of like PYT but awful.

The Goat Princess part is because sometimes I bleat when I'm hungover. "maahhhhhh stay with meeeeeee I'm neeeeedy maaaaaaah."

Feeling OK About Money

2009-10-12T10:23:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling somewhat good about my money situation lately. I think it's in part because of my little raise when I switched jobs, and also because I've started using this great (free!) budgeting software online called Mint. Travis and I have been making responsible choices lately, including the one yesterday to NOT move into a beautiful 3 bedroom apartment this is only $250 per month more than what we're paying. We decided that getting greedy is not a wise decision in this economy. Yes, I am smugly patting myself on the back right now. Literally, I am in my cube patting my own back, no wonder my cube-mates hate me.

Basically I've been paying down my credit cards really aggressively and should be cc-debt free within 5 months as long as I keep up at the rate I'm going. This, I would say, is pretty fucking good for someone who was up to her neck in almost $6,000 about 2 years ago. Plus at the moment I'm paying off my student loans while they're in deferment so I am not accruing any interest. Once my ccs are paid off, I can move all my attention (cash-flow) over to that, and at the rate I'm going, will be able to pay off my $20,000+ in like 3 years (provided my company keeps reimbursing me for tuition and I get the same Hope Scholarship as last year, thank you Mr. Obama, and I don't get laid off. Actually, that's a lot of "ifs" so please keep your fingers crossed for me). Holy fuck, I can barely talk about it without getting excited.

What about you, readers? How's your money? Are you scared about your finances or in a good place?

"Bugs or Drugs"

2009-10-08T10:07:00.003-04:00

I got my biopsy results this morning, and you'll all be happy to know that I do not have back herpes. My dermatologist said that my welts (which have significantly reduced in size and itchiness-- they are now just big blotches with a medium-level itch factor) are caused by insect bites... or drugs. She said definitely not bed-bugs (WHOOP-WHOOP), most likely spiders (not awesome, but preferable to bed-bugs for sure), or it could be a reaction to medication. Since it's not the dreaded Lamictal rash, and I'm not on anything else, it's almost definitely spiders. Or the meth I've been injecting straight into my spine.

YAY!

Wind Advisory

2009-10-07T15:13:00.001-04:00

Not an awesome day to wear a short, poofy skirt.

Benadryl

2009-10-07T11:50:00.002-04:00

It’s fun to wake up in the morning with no recollection of how you spent 6pm on and your only clues are a pile of cheese rinds and 4 missing DVRed episodes of Project Runway.

Why do I Love Twizzlers?

2009-10-07T11:44:00.001-04:00

They're just sugary wax, right? They definitely don't taste like "strawberry" and they always give me a stomachache.

And yet.

My Fucking Back

2009-10-06T14:07:00.006-04:00

OMFG Something bit me in my home the other night (please, can we all collectively pray that it was not bed bugs?) and this is what happened to my back:

I went to the dermatologist for an emergency appointment this morning and she actually said "oh my goodness" when I lifted up the back of my dress, and I DO NOT think she was talking about my gorgeous butt.

Because she is a good doctor and not some asshole who makes me wait over an hour, takes one look for 2 seconds and says "yep, those are insect bites" (true story), she decided to do a biopsy to confirm that they are, in fact, bites, and not something gruesome like shingles. So she used an instrument that was like a tiny hole puncher, and took out a piece of my back (don't worry, I still have plenty left over) and then used fire to cauterize the wound. It smelled like a BBQ, and it really does not help that I am reading a book about the Holocaust right now.

Then the grossest part of all was that I had to carry this little jar with my tiny plug of human flesh floating around in it over to the receptionist. I have to go back on Thursday for a follow up, but in the meantime I am TOTALLY using this as an excuse to skip my class tonight. I hate my class.

Ah my life.

(Another shot from last night.)

Lost in Translation

2009-09-23T13:54:00.002-04:00

Why is it so incredibly annoying when someone can’t hear/understand you over the phone? No matter what the circumstances, if I’m asked to repeat myself more than once, I get furious.

10 minutes ago…
Trav: Hello?
Me: Guess what?? I just saw Obama’s motorcade*!!
Trav: What?
Me: I just saw Obama’s motorcade!
Trav: I’m sorry, I can’t understand you
Me: I. JUST. SAW. OBAMA’S MOTORCADE.
Trav: You saw what?
Me: Forget it, I have to go
Trav [sensing my vitriol even though he obviously can’t make out my words]: wait, wait, what did you see?
Me: OBAMA’S MOTORCADE
Trav: Obama’s murder-cane**?
Me: MOTORCADE
Trav: Mur-ter-cade?
Me: MOTORCADE. Like the cars? That the president drives around in? his motorcade?
Trav: That’s called a motorcade?
Me: I have to go

*On 53rd street! And park! I think I may have seen the side of his head through the tinted window! And there was an SUV with guys with machine guns!
**Literally. He thought I said “murder cane.”

Suggestions?

2009-09-18T10:36:00.002-04:00

It took me about an hour to figure out the DVR last night (it's confusing! I'm not usually technologically retarded) but when I did, I was excited to start adding programs to my list! Here's what I have so far:

Series
Mad Men
Hoarders
The Office

Single Shows
Ellen (with NPH as a guest)
The Emmy's (with NPH as a host)
Dances with Wolves (because, you know, it's only on TBS or AMC once a week)

What else should I record?! All suggestions welcome.

LOLRerationship

2009-09-17T09:26:00.001-04:00

Wednesday
2:30am
Travis comes home from rehearsal, gets into bed and kisses my shoulder

A minute later, I sniff my armpit* and then say “um, I think you smell funny.”

He leans over and says: “what?”

Me: “OH MY GOD, DO NOT BREATHE IN MY FACE. Oh seriously, that’s awful! What is that? Oh god, I’m going to choke to death. Oh what is that smell!?”

Trav: “oh... I just had garlic hummus…”

Me: “GAHHHHHHGGGGG!!! That’s so gross! I can’t breathe!!! AhhhhGGG!”

Him: “I brushed my teeth!”

Me: “You did NOT brush them well enough!”

Him [making no move to get up to rebrush]: “sorry…”

Me: “uuugghghhghghh”

Him: “……”

Me: “I’m going to throw up”

TOTALLY do not remember this part, it was reported back the next day between hysterical giggles at my expense.

Shit-Balls

2009-09-16T13:37:00.004-04:00

I just added DVR service to my cable account. Over the course of the summer, with all my "upgrades", it's gone from $44 per month to $116. There is something wrong with me.

Oh well, at least I can watch shows that I want to see (like Mad Men, for instance, or Hoarders) instead of wasting time on VH1 stupidity.

How We Make Decisions In My House

2009-08-23T13:39:00.004-04:00

"Awwwwww damn it!!!! Can we get cable? DANCES WITH WOLVES IS ON AMC RIGHT NOW*!"

*Yes, I constantly scroll through the cable guide of channels I don't have just to see what I'm missing.

Sexxxxxxy Time

2009-08-20T09:39:00.006-04:00

I know what this looks like. Sexy 80s movie? Trail of lingerie leading into a bedroom festooned with rose petals and flickering candles? The camera cuts to a boudoir with one of those fancy perfume bottles with a squeezy spritzer, and you can almost make out the shadows of gentle, romantic humping in the reflection in the mirror?

Yehssss.

Well, actually, no. Last night we went to a Chinese place on Smith street that’s about a 25 minute walk from home. I changed into jeans before we left the house. This decision was mostly informed by the 30 seconds I’d spent between my air-conditioned office, the air-conditioned subway, and our air-conditioned apartment when I thought to myself: “oh, it’s not THAT hot out.”

When we got to the restaurant I downed my ice water and then had to spend some alone time in the bathroom with a wet paper towel draped over my neck. I complained the entire walk home about the injustices of wearing pants, and vowed to have them off within moments of opening the apartment door. “Will you time me? I bet I can take everything off in less than 5 seconds!”

We got to the front door and Travis said “no, I’m not timing you, we’re going to race.”

Then we got into a fistfight over who got the shower first.

The Worst Thing in the Whole World

2009-08-10T14:22:00.001-04:00

Jellyfish. Fire Island. 2009.

With my feet for size comparison

Celeb Stalker

2009-08-05T14:19:00.003-04:00

I just saw Judah Friedlander outside my office and HE TOTALLY SAID "HAAAAY" TO ME* IN A LECHEROUS JOEY TRIBIANI MANNER. My life is complete.

*Maybe because I was beaming at him from halfway down the street, whatever.

Oh Herro, BIRR CRINTON

2009-08-04T11:03:00.000-04:00

Is Clinton actually meeting with Kim Jong Il? Isn’t he DEAD? Hahahaha Weekend at Bernie’s: Political Edition. They’re going to have the guy who did the voice in Team America behind his corpse going “NO FUHCKING WAY WE REREASING THOSE REPORTAHS.”

THTH and The Hole in My Ass

2009-08-01T17:13:00.002-04:00

I've coined a new acronym: THTH, or Too Hot To Hug. This was inspired by Travis' friend Joel's friend-whose-name-I-can't-remember's term: Too Fat To Fuck, or TFTF. Learning this phrase, I was very happy, thinking back on my past whoredom that I've never been TFTF. TFTHHWWIP (Too Fat To Hold Hands With While In Public) maybe, but never TFTF.
It's been THTH for a while now. I see Crammy about once a week and we pat each other with sweaty hands, "no," I say, "it's too hot to hug." From now on, she'll know what I mean when I abbreviate.

Since it's THTH, I have nothing to wear. Nothing. I went out for a walk this morning in old cutoffs and a tank top (with sneakers and a backpack) and attracted the attention of both old Mexican men AND old lesbians. Got to hit all demographics. I have nothing to wear tonight, so I've pulled out an old Forever 21 number from 3 years ago, which, it turns out, is still kind of cute in a Jessica Rabbit sort of way-- and is small enough that I won't sweat to death while out tonight.

Wearing it around the apartment was dangerous though, because I bent over at one point, slammed my ass into the side of Travis' desk and split a nice long gash in the fabric. (I am a walking sitcom, apparently.) I did a lousy repair job-- you can see up in there still-- but I'm hoping that it won't a. be too noticeable, or b. tear more.

In 3rd grade I had matching jeans and jean jacket outfit with airplanes all over it (WTF??) that my old stepmother got me from Venezuela. Not the greatest quality, in other words. During the school day, a tiny hole in the crotch turned into a big hole, which turned into an even bigger hole, and eventually the seams split from knee to knee. The nurse had to staple it back together for me. Obviously, I've never fully recovered from this great trauma, no one really could.

And yet. And yet. And yet, I am living on the edge tonight, going out of the house with a tiny hole in my ass that will likely turn into a big hole, and an even bigger hole, and like they say, it's the circle of life, son. It moves us all.

No, I am not drunk; it's just THTH.

A New One

2009-07-30T22:01:00.003-04:00

I am sweating and red-faced, rushing back from a lunchtime gym sesh, standing on the little median island on 52nd street and Park ave. There's a homeboy in huge sunglasses drinking a sunkist with a straw standing next to me. It's very, very, very fucking hot out. Before I can get my earbuds properly inserted, I hear:

HB [looking at me]: "mumble, mumble"

Me: "SORRY?"

HB: "You're looking very comely today, ma'am."

Me: "... ... uh... thank you."

Good Morning, LOVAH

2009-07-22T09:11:00.001-04:00

There's a big poster of Don Draper in the window of Banana Republic in the rock center underground plaza. Right near Cucina. Just in case anyone is interested.

The Horror

2009-07-20T10:11:00.003-04:00

I had an actual fucking heart attack last night when I looked over at the stove and saw what I thought was a giant waterbug. Observe:

After screaming and running from the room, I realized that 5 seconds of grabbing and smushing it, as horrible as it would be, is infinitely more comforting than knowing a giant waterbug is on the loose in my apartment.

Upon closer (paper towel clenched in my sweaty fist) inspection, I realized that the "waterbug" was, in fact, two forgotten bay leaves removed from my lentil soup. Whew. In my relief I neglected to dispose of them, and had a second heart attack 15 minutes later, and yet still didn't throw them away. Because I'm smart like that.

Glad I Can Help

2009-07-17T21:38:00.001-04:00

Recent search terms leading readers to the blog:

"Fart suppression"

"Asshole rash"

Discovered at Daffys

2009-07-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

I present to you, The Worst Shoes in the Whole World:

Special thanks to Crammy who modeled even though she is ALREADY too pregnant to bend over comfortably.

Your Hair is your Head Suit

2009-07-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

My Boss [trying on my new phone headset]: Wow… This is NICE!
Me: I know! I’m never giving it back.
My Boss: I don’t think they’d ask you to give it back; it’s more of a personal item. Like you don’t try on underwear and then return it.
Me: So right now you’re wearing my head-underwear?
My Boss:…
Me:…
My Boss:…
Assistant: Heh.

Congratulations Graduate!

2009-07-14T17:48:00.002-04:00

Here's a GIANT COOKIE in the shape of an ass to help you celebrate!

As Real as it may Seem... It was Only in my Dreams

2009-07-10T15:30:00.003-04:00

I've been having some awesomely boring dreams, i.e. my coworker is telling me which floor she's moving to, I'm waiting for the elevator, I'm on an airplane, interspersed with the worse anxiety dreams ever: I am sitting in my room and realize that I've just missed two days of work without realizing it, I am in a bloddy fistfight with my mom.

What does it all mean?

Well...

There's been a lot of shit going on. A lot of boring shit-- like starting a new job and not really having WORK to do yet, a lot of stressful shit-- like finding out my old boss is mad at me, a lot of scary shit-- weird long talks with Trav about the rerationship, which, surprise, end in tears (him) and smoking on the fire escape (me). Sometimes I feel totally equipped to deal with life, and then other times I look around and say (in my HEAD) "Wait. Is this it?"

And, like, how typical is that? Isn't it just the human experience? I could start my own internet business selling these: I've Made It Through 28 Years and All I Got Was This Lousy Tee-Shirt

Back Paddling

2009-06-27T23:17:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I never knew about tubing. It's all the wonderful parts of canoeing (beautiful, sunshiney wilderness all around you, cool water lapping at your toes, excellent tanning opportunity) without any of the upper body work! AND, you get to have 2 free "river-man" hot dogs and a bag of cheetos in the middle of the trip!
I think I know what I'm doing every weekend this summer.

New Digs

2009-06-26T07:48:00.003-04:00

I am sharing an office with my new boss and 2 other people which is JUST WONDERFUL. I am lucky enough to hear all of their phone conversations including one yesterday between my coworker and his wife about how my coworker forgot their anniversary, and I get to see my other coworker updating her resume all the time/gmail-chatting/facebooking. Recent direct quotes from my boss on the phone: "well, I think she's a real opportunist, but he's just a 32 year old guy who all of the sudden had 10 children and tv cameras following him around all the time." "Yeah, it looks like they are breaking up. But I think she's still going to have the show... no?... Well at least she gets to keep the nannys, right?"

Finally I said "Jeff, are you, like obsessed with Jon and Kate Plus 8?"

He says: "No way! Not at all... ... I'm obsessed with the Octomom."

Wired

2009-06-16T09:48:00.002-04:00

This morning I had two cups of coffee before work. That's more caffeine than I've had in the last seven days combined. Do you know how little espresso is in a cafe con leche? Do you know that they don't HAVE iced coffee in spain (except at starbucks where we didn't go to as a matter of principle)? OMFG I am literally shaking right now.

When the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Leave Their Dirty Underwear all Over the Place

2009-06-01T11:23:00.003-04:00

My Big Night Out

2009-05-28T13:11:00.002-04:00

Like 2 weeks ago (is that right? Time has been moving in slow-mo for me, so it's hard to tell) I went to a "rock concert" at Webster Hall. Between losing my coat, burning the roof of my mouth with LAVA temperature pizza, and waking up the next morning at noon, here's further (undisturbed) evidence of my late night partying:

Ps. I was really wild and stayed out until ELEVEN THIRTY.

Men are from Mars, I am from Planet OCD

2009-05-26T14:25:00.003-04:00

When Travis went to Europe I took over and repacked his bag before he left. One of my initiatives was taking back one of the two towels he was bringing. First of all, he LOST two of our towels the last time he went on tour, and second of all, he'd already told me that he was only bringing seven pairs of underwear (I forced him to bring ten) because they were planning on doing laundry once a week.

He had this big huge suitcase all packed - which weighed in at 49 lbs - and then another bag of stuff that he was bringing as carry on. Friends, I give you Travis's idea of carry on:

Seriously?

How fast is this going to break?

Great place for your passport, dude.

Yes, maybe he was emasculated when I insisted that he carry a blue tote bag with cartoon characters and the words "I CAN READ!" printed on the side, but I was right-- right?

Model Employee

2009-05-22T11:58:00.002-04:00

What I've done so far today at work:

1. Arrived 45 minutes late

2. Left to return a sweater to Ann Taylor loft, tried on several outfits and bought a pair of shorts

3. Talked to Cram on the phone twice

4. Update my blog (HAPPENING IN REAL TIME)

5. Ate Cherrios

6. Painted my toenails

7. Worked on the excel grid itinerary for Spain

Whew. I have to leave now (an hour early) so I can stop at H&M before I go to Boston for the weekend.

Old vs. New

2009-05-21T08:50:00.004-04:00

There are a few things I'll really miss about my old job when I leave. I've made some great friends among my colleagues, and I've formed some wonderful relationships with authors. Frankly, I'm going to be a little jealous that someone else will take over my job (presumably the hiring freeze has to end eventually) and then the authors will love her instead of me. Unless my boss picks a retard - like the previous 2 people in this position - and the authors are miserable and THEN THEY'LL REALIZE THAT THEY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE LETTING ME GO AND REGRET IT FOREVER BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

On the other hand, I'm elated about leaving some of the needy bastardy authors behind, and never speaking to them again. And, as much as I've enjoyed all my many nights in luxury hotels (as well as the points I've earned from staying in said luxury hotels which I am using to get us a really fancy spa hotel in Barcelona for cheap, cheap, cheap), I never really enjoyed the conferences. Exhausting and tedious, the only real benefit to the trips out of town was free fucking room service, and you can only eat so many hamburgers in bed before the thrill wears off.

Just one more point about conferences-- the food in the convention centers is consistantly repulsive. All over America, in every state, you're limited to limp chicken fingers, a mushy apple, a 3 day old turkey wrap, etc. etc. Here's a picture I took in the minneapolis convention center of what they were loading into the "FOOD" stand.

For serious.

Japanus Relations

2009-05-20T13:02:00.001-04:00

Old, but still incredible:

It's a Good Day

2009-05-19T17:23:00.003-04:00

Amazingly, I'm not here to complain for once. I had a pretty good day all around. I got to the office ON TIME. I had a meeting this morning and the people I talked to were totally not mad at me for no reason, in fact they were really grateful and gracious about all the hard work I've been doing. Then instead of lunch I went shopping with my grandma which is nice enough in itself because I love her, but we found 4 shirts and a dress that she picked out that actually fit me. Miracle. Then on the way back to the office I stopped at Borders to get a spanish phrasebook for my upcoming vacation and got 20% off. Back in the office I booked our car for the trip and realized I had been putting the dates in wrong and that it was $80 cheaper than what I'd thought. Oh, and then I got a new job that pays me $5,000 more annually than my current job.

Oh hell yes.

FUCKING FIRST CLASS BASTARDS

2009-05-19T10:32:00.003-04:00

I hate people who fly in first class. Hate, I say, hate, hate, hate. Every time I'm on an airplane, I make a point to glare at them the whole flight. Usually I'm sitting in seat 5D (that's first row, aisle) because I'm smart like that and update my seating preference at the airport, so I have a clear view and a perfect opportunity to stare angrily. On a recent flight to Denver, there was a group of super assholes, drinking beers and standing in the middle of the first class aisle, while joking and laughing in loud drunken voices. It was just like being at happy hour at Brother Jimmys without a chance of escape. Fucking fuckers. In between giving them the hairy eyeball and sighing loudly while dramatically readjusting my earplugs, I periodically glanced at another coach (peasant) passenger, and we exchanged head shakes and eye rolls.

Fucking, fucking, fuckers.

When we flew to Ireland, there wasn't enough room in the coach storage compartments for our luggage, so they had to stow it in the first class cabin. On my way off the plane while struggling to get my broken, heavy (filled with books I wouldn't read because I was so busy drinking) suitcase out of the overhead compartment, a little plastic wrapped item (UN-FUCKING-OPENED, YOU UNGRATEFUL FIRST CLASS FUCKER) that I knew I had to have. So I grabbed it and stuffed it into my pants - literally into my pants - and ran off the airplane.

Here, revealed to you, for the first time ever, the first class fucking travel case:

Ooh, want to see the inside?

See all that shit? That they get? For free? JUST HANDED TO THEM? (On another recent flight from Minneapolis, I asked for a pillow for my poor aching neck, and was told "Oh, we don't have pillows on this flight", meanwhile, I can SEE some fucking first class fucker, laying atop a mountain of pillows-- there must have actually been 15 there.)

Well now we know why they pay thousands of dollars for their tickets. I mean, between this shit and the warm chocolate chip cookie, it's almost worth going into massive credit card debt. I can just take out more student loans, right?

Cute Kids

2009-05-18T10:12:00.005-04:00

I found a new (new to me) supermarket that sells incredibly cheap produce sort of near my house. Unfortunately you sort of need a car to shop there (otherwise would have to cross the underside of the BQE, and walk past strip clubs to get home) and since Travis is away for 3 months, I no longer have wheels at my disposal. So yesterday, ignoring the protest of every molecule of my being, I went to the most annoying grocery store on the planet. I just want to point out that I've shopped there one time in the past 8 weeks, and yet I continue to work my shift... just for fun?

Well, it turned out to be the right decision, because we're (that's right, we, we are a member-owned, member-operated co-op, and I have a very small monetary investment, as well as a very huge and annoying time investment in it) stocking my absolute favorite thing in the world: BABY LETTUCES.

Look! Look how cute and delicious!!

Baby Romaine! Baby Boston! I want to buy you little onsies and swaddle you and have a christening party!!!

AHHHHH! THE CUTENESS IS TOO MUCH!!

I also got a beautiful head of red romaine (not pictured), and some delicious artichokes, one of which I stuffed with all kinds of cheese and then died of happiness (though, truth be told, I was trying something new, and actually prefer a plain artichoke with lemon butter). If I eat another artichoke tonight or tomorrow night, that will make 4 total in 7 days. I'm on a rampage.

Speaking of crazy produce, I got this sweet potato from the coop ages ago, and kept forgetting to download the picture. I almost couldn't eat it because I was afraid it would jump up and start cooing at me.

The Perks of Living Alone

2009-05-14T20:56:00.000-04:00

Dinner tonight: some baked french fries and an artichoke.

This Job May be OUT OF MY LEAGUE

2009-05-14T09:23:00.000-04:00

Qualifications: College-level understanding and use of English language.

I AM GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR, IF IT KILLS ME

2009-05-13T16:00:00.002-04:00

Friends, shit has been crazy. Like CRAZY. Let me just start with the past 2 days: Monday morning, casually perusing the open job listings, as I do every morning, I came across an ad for a job in the sales division of my company. Later that afternoon I meet with an HR rep (who HAPPENED to be the very same fucking moron that I yelled at recently for taking over 6 months to set up my New York Sports Club membership) and gave her my resume. Since then I've been in a WHIRLWIND of interviews and awkward-ass conversations with my boss (HR policy dictates that if you want to apply for another job within the company, you have to inform your manager and get "their blessing"-- creepy HR-speak) and frankly the whole situation is a overwhelming.

My formal interview with my new would be boss was this morning and after a fantastically sleepless night thanks to Travis' band's European tour, and a DOUBLE alarm clock that went off twice. (Got that? Two alarms set to go off at 2:45AM and then again at 4:45AM. I can't even go into details because I'm still so upset at how tired I am.) We had no coffee in the freezer when I got up at 7:00am, and on the verge of tears, about to wash out the dirty percolator just for lack of anything else to do, I discovered that there was old coffee in there from yesterday morning. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY THAT I DRANK IT.

There was more awful shit that happened (like being 15 minutes late, which is usually fine, but I had a 9:00am meeting that I forgot about, but thanks be to Christ it was moved back 15 minutes), but the worst part was the meeting with my boss when I had to cut her off to say: "I am so sorry, but I have that interview in 5 minutes... can we talk about this later?"

She was very gracious and all ("Not a problem.") but she's totally mad at me, I can tell-- and I wrote her this apology email and SHE DIDN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT, and continually just storms past my office back and forth and refuses to make eye contact. Speaking of not acknowledging things, I recently got a really nice email from the president of our company (!!) complimenting me on some work I'd done. My boss was cced on this email and never even fucking mentioned it to me.

Oh, by the way, Travis left this morning. Did I mention that he left at 5am? But thought (through no fault of his own) that he had to leave at 3am? And that the two alarms went off at 2:45 and then at 4:45?

I just closed the door to my office and cried a little bit.

Fear and Loathing

2009-05-01T11:14:00.002-04:00

For a little while now, I've found myself reaching my anxiety limit fast and frequently. The job, the final paper for class, leaving tomorrow at 6:00am to go on a five day business trip and getting back to NYC 1/2 hour before I have to give my final presentation, Travis leaving for 3 months in two weeks. All that shit. I am worried and upset often, and the ONE single thing that kind of helps calm me down is thinking "These are not real problems. You have a job, you have a boyfriend that you love, you are in school, you are not being raped with a broken bottle while watching your entire family get massacred. It's all fine and manageable, and frankly the amount of time I spend worrying is embarrassing.

That said, a GIANT FUCKING WATERBUG crawled out from under my desk at work earlier this week and I have been living in total fear since. Our freelancer (who is saving my life and sanity at this very moment) convinced me that it was just an intrepid explorer waterbug (not unlike the early 1900 antarctic explorers that I am writing about for my final paper!) and not a nest of a million bugs living under my desk. There's a little comfort in that, I guess, but I've had trouble believing it entirely. This morning there was a minuscule baby roach on a piece of paper next to my phone. It was so tiny that it couldn't even run away from the tissue I crushed it with. You know what that means? There's a whole fucking colony of teeny little baby roaches (I mean, COME ON, it's not an only child, right?) living somewhere very close to my phone. I am so pesticide-bombing my office before I leave tonight.

LOLrelationship

2009-04-29T21:14:00.001-04:00

"Pssst, go brush your teeth-- I'm waking you up for sex."

MAMA NEEDS A MASSAGE

2009-04-29T14:03:00.002-04:00

Friends, have I mentioned that my boss quit recently? That my workload has doubled? That I am OVERWHELMED at work, and floundering, and scared, and waking up 15,000 times a night worrying that I've forgotten to do something imperitive? And that I've become a rage-monster at home to the point that my poor, sweet, gentle boyfriend is afraid of me and when I say in a very nasty tone "WELL, WHY AREN'T WE GETTING ALONG?" He quakes before me and says "I don't know... is it me?"

I need some stress relief. And maybe a fucking raise or promotion? Hello?

Hello, I'm Liz Lemon

2009-04-24T16:27:00.002-04:00

I was just talking to someone in the hallway, talking about work, a project, whatever, with a colleague, a professional, a PERSON I WORK WITH. And I felt something funny tickling my stomach, so I pulled the bottom of my shirt away from myself, and a whole kernel of popcorn fell out. Not like a piece, a whole kernel.

Seriously, Morgan Freeman? Seriously?

2009-04-18T23:52:00.003-04:00

I'm watching March of the Penguins right now (so it's Saturday night and I'm home alone drinking a glass of wine? WHAT?) and I just watched the most embarrassing penguin love-making scene. Complete with close-up beak rubbing, slow-motion nuzzling, and sexy jazz music. At the end of it, the guy penguin is STANDING ON TOP OF the lady penguin's back-- which is super romantic, obvs-- and then it just cuts to a close up of their faces and Morgan Freeman says "and now, for the next 8 months, they wait."

I'd suggest renting this movie just for that scene. My god.

Desperate for Chips and Guinness-- Day 5

2009-04-13T09:40:00.009-04:00

We woke up early in Tullamore, FINALLY having figured out that Travis' ipod has an alarm clock, and had OUR LAST BREAKFAST [in Ireland]. We bid our hostess goodbye, after I said "I love that picture of Bob Marley-- did you paint it?" No, it was her son-in-law and he got mad at her because she thought it was Jimmy Hendrix at first.

We drove into town to check-in for our flights at an internet cafe.

(OH, and I am totally fucking over Continental Airlines. Both flights, I checked in for us online, 24 hours before departure, got us seats together, etc. Both flights, we had to recheck-in at the airport and didn't get seats together. Mother of god was I angry. Also there was a massive customs pre-screening line in Dublin, and I was rude to some girl who was trying to cut the whole line "WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR THE 9:00AM FLIGHT," I said. And then it turned out we actually almost missed the plane. Travis enjoyed his opportunity to mock me about this once we got back to NY.)

And we saw this place:

"Classy."

We drove to our hotel for the night, in a town called Swords which is in the backyard of the Dublin Aiport. When we checked in, they gave us a room on the 3rd floor, and I immediately asked them to switch it to a higher floor with a nice view. (I spend so much time in hotels for work that I have become a complete and total snob.) The girl at the front desk was so nice, and she said "Of course, of course, would you like a view of Dublin city? Or the airport?"

We took a bus into Dublin that afternoon, and walked around quite a bit. We went on a very amusing and fun tour of the old Jameson Distillery-- and I got to be an official Jameson taste tester!!! This was like the high point of the trip for me.

I got a certificate which I have on the wall next to my desk. I'm going to have my actual diploma framed now just so I can have it hanging up next to my Jameson "degree."

After that we walked around a bit more (a little drunk, I would say). We went to a few pubs, and then I made Travis come with me to Marks & Spencer where I bought a huge amount of crisps and cookies, all of which were devoured in less than a week of our return to America.

We ate dinner at The Brazen Head, which is the oldest pub in Ireland.

We'd been planning all day to go out after dinner and see some live music, and get wild on our last night. But after dinner, we were both full and exhausted, and had only like 5 spare euro left, so we decided to head back to the hotel. We took another terrifying bus trip to Swords. In the outskirts of Dublin, we saw this:

"Probably."

On way back to the hotel we were feeling a little lame about going home at like 9:30pm, so we decided we'd have some chips and Guinness in the hotel bar. But once we walked in the door, we thought better of it and just went straight to our room. While we were watching TV, we saw an ad for a special Irish laxative, and I took it as a sign that I should drink some emergency Senna Tea, since I hadn't pooped in about 6 days. Totally ineffective, by the way-- it only works when I'm home.

And then we collapsed. And then we went home.

Can I go back now?

Severe Nerds

2009-04-10T10:09:00.004-04:00

We had a little nerd meet up last night at Crocodile Lounge. They give you a FREE personal pizza with every single drink you order-- that's why I drink so much when I'm there.

I'm in the middle-- in case you didn't recognize my fro. And that's another nerd on my right who stopped writing her AMAZING Boobs Radley blog because she got an actual job blogging for money. And that blogger guy on the left is, like, "kind of a big deal" on the internet. He got mad at us for ditching him (and his enormous posse) for most of the night to which I said: "You can't blame us for being outside smoking for two hours-- nicotine is addictive!"

Bloggity blog blog. Blog.

Too Much Fucking CUTE

2009-04-09T10:28:00.002-04:00

If you want to waste your morning looking at the cutest baby animals you've EVER SEEN, click on the meerkats above. omg omg omg. Thanks to KP for the link!