Today I'm going to sign a lease for a new apartment. It's a lovely little studio in Prospect Lefferts Gardens-- in the very same building as my friend, The Puppeteer!
How did we get here? Travis and I broke up. Two weeks ago, maybe? It's hard to tell since time has been moving in a strange, fractured and disorienting way since before Christmas. I've heard that it's Saturn Return, and I've speculated that the universe is causing relationships with the important people in my life to simultaneously, spontaneously, systematically dissolve. Either way, this breakup is not surprising, but it is sad! And scary!
He left for Vermont on Monday, and I'm starting a house-sitting assignment tonight. I think this forced separation is good for us in the long-run because living together as a broken up couple who is pretending to be fine and normal is certainly not healthy for anyone no matter how soothing it feels. I found myself sentimentalizing everything until the moment he left ("Is this the last time we're going to wake up in the morning together and laugh together and spoon and love each other?" "Is this the last time we're going out for dinner as a couple?" "Is this the last time I'm going to feel furious, blinding rage that he spilled bleu cheese sauce all over the inside of our oven causing our entire apartment to smell like rotten dairy?") and it was both comforting and stifling. If we're going to be apart, we need to be apart-- no matter how fucking sad it is.
These days I feel not just alone and adrift, but also free and strong and mighty on my own.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I'm sorry.
Wow - I remember that feeling (I broke up with a boyfriend in Tahiti about 30 minutes after New Year's 2005/06. That was a FUN 8-hour flight home. Oy.)
It IS sad. And oddly freeing. Take care of yourself. And don't drink too much - but drink enough.
xo!
You work in publishing... (so did I) Of this I know. If you can manage the brilliant stupidity of some of the people in publishing and still maintain your sanity, that proves you are a strong and independent woman.
Now, you are a strong and independent woman with an adorable new apartment that you can decorate anyway you like, omitting bleu (blue?) cheese in the oven.
Oh, I'm so sorry. What a relief, yet such a painful thing. Move on, chin up and see what's waiting around the next corner.
BIG HUGS!!!!
用行動來支持你~~~不留言不行！........................................
What 這裡 said. Courage, mon amour.
Did you ever want to be taken over by bandits ?
MIDLAKE started it all and they just came out with a new album--which (i fear) sucks--so it all make sense !
-Aunt tep tep
Sorry to hear this, BSH. Sending you a virtual *hug*
I think it is Saturn's return. So many people are splitting up lately. But of those I know personally, it seems to be for the best.
I hope you take that the way I mean it. You'll do great in your studio. You probably already are; I'm really shit at checking my blogs!
Post a Comment